the highs are high; the lows are low.

Borderline Personality Disorder is essentially a mood disorder (also referred to as Emotional Disregulation Disorder). My mood is affected by a never-ending list of things: the weather, the public, the energy of a room, the energy of a specific person, a quick change in concrete plans, my dog barking, stubbing my toe, a thought popping into my head, etc etc etc. It is literally the flick of a switch – one second I am having a fantastic day and just when I think I am on top of the world, something so little changes and I am more depressed than ever.

This is obviously something that I am working on – this is what Dialectical Behavioural Therapy will teach me: how to even out those moods, and when I am feeling low, to not retreat into my dark room and cry for the rest of the day.

But I’ll tell you what – it’s fucking hard. 

Today was fantastic – I went to a morning yoga class, the weather was sunny and warm, I was productive, Day Hospital was a positive experience, I hiked with the dogs, and I had an evening goal to do some paperwork, and then maybe read the rest of my book (I’m reading A Brave New World, if anyone is wondering).

And then all of a sudden, I couldn’t find the charger to my ipad, and I feel as though my day has been ruined. I am currently angry, which is now causing me to be tired, which means that I don’t want to do my paperwork, which means that I won’t be prepared for tomorrow, which means that I probably won’t sleep well, which means that tomorrow will probably be shit… and that is how my brain spirals. I know it sounds crazy, but it is where my head goes, and right now, I can’t stop it. I know I will learn to, but it’s hard, and I guess sometimes I just want to complain.

I am going to do my best to salvage my evening; perhaps a brisk walk will reset my thought train.

Writing here helps so much, so thank you for listening.

2 thoughts on “the highs are high; the lows are low.

  1. So helpful to read about the path your illness takes through you to manifest itself. It’s easy sometimes for people around us to devalue or judge what makes us happy, sad, anxious, content etc. Simply put – they don’t know what’s going on inside you, all they see is the outside. Someone who cares will always try to see below the surface. Someone who values you will take the time to ask how you are. Someone who LOVES you will reach out a hand and a heart. Here’s mine ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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