Borderline Personality Disorder is essentially a mood disorder (also referred to as Emotional Disregulation Disorder). My mood is affected by a never-ending list of things: the weather, the public, the energy of a room, the energy of a specific person, a quick change in concrete plans, my dog barking, stubbing my toe, a thought popping into my head, etc etc etc. It is literally the flick of a switch – one second I am having a fantastic day and just when I think I am on top of the world, something so little changes and I am more depressed than ever.
This is obviously something that I am working on – this is what Dialectical Behavioural Therapy will teach me: how to even out those moods, and when I am feeling low, to not retreat into my dark room and cry for the rest of the day.
But I’ll tell you what – it’s fucking hard.
Today was fantastic – I went to a morning yoga class, the weather was sunny and warm, I was productive, Day Hospital was a positive experience, I hiked with the dogs, and I had an evening goal to do some paperwork, and then maybe read the rest of my book (I’m reading A Brave New World, if anyone is wondering).
And then all of a sudden, I couldn’t find the charger to my ipad, and I feel as though my day has been ruined. I am currently angry, which is now causing me to be tired, which means that I don’t want to do my paperwork, which means that I won’t be prepared for tomorrow, which means that I probably won’t sleep well, which means that tomorrow will probably be shit… and that is how my brain spirals. I know it sounds crazy, but it is where my head goes, and right now, I can’t stop it. I know I will learn to, but it’s hard, and I guess sometimes I just want to complain.
I am going to do my best to salvage my evening; perhaps a brisk walk will reset my thought train.
Writing here helps so much, so thank you for listening.