Mirriam-Webster defines divorce as “law : the action or an instance of legally dissolving a marriage“.
But what about an emotional definition of divorce?
How about, “The separation of a life together, that was thought to be forever“, or, “Realizing that you and the person who you planned on spending the rest of your life with, have grown a part from each other“, or even, “shattering your heart into a thousand pieces to leave him, because somewhere deep down, you know it’s the right thing to do“.
The truth is, the legality of it is so cold – going to the court house, signing the papers – it’s quite the opposite of the wedding, that’s for sure.
This past Friday was the official day my divorce finalized. It was a date that has been looming over my head for the past month, and as it inched closer, my anxiety grew into a monster that took up habitation in my chest cavity. I decided to celebrate the day, instead of being sad. What we had was special, I told myself, and if it only lasted a few years, I’m glad I held it for that time. I put on my big girl pants, a face full of make up, and a fake smile, and went to a friends house to drink wine and hang with the girls.
It was excruciating. Not because I wasn’t happy to be there, but because truthfully inside, my heart is broken. It is so damaged, I can picture the thousands of pieces of my heart suspended in my chest, aching to be put back together. Sometimes I feel as though I will never be able to fix it.
But then I remember that there is a Japanese art form called Kintsukuroi, which translates to “golden repair“. A lacquer is made out of powdered gold and pieces the item, (usually pottery) back together. The philosophy states that rather than disguising the break, the repair creates a new history for the object. It embraces the flaws and imperfections; it highlights the damage as “simply an event in the life of an object, rather than allowing its service to end at the time of it damage or breakage”.
It is beautiful.
So perhaps over time, I can weave a golden lacquer out of health and happiness, and piece my broken heart back together.