In addition to my writing here, I also keep a journal filled with thoughts, quotes, notes to myself, and sometimes, creative writing.
Today I would like to share with you an excerpt from a journal entry that I wrote five days after being admitted to the psychiatric ward.
February 15th, 2017
I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately. What happens when we die? What comes next?
Perhaps it is a little something like this…
“She took her last earthly breath; for a split second as her lungs grew heavy and her last breath dissipated into the outside air, she felt a burst of panic. She felt the deep sadness that was her life.
And then it all went away.
Every twisted thought of causing harm to her own body had disappeared. The overwhelming emptiness she fought every day, was gone. Her pain, both physical and emotional, ceased to exist.
She was free.
The darkness turned into a vast infinite space. The universe enveloped her, cradled her like a baby, and presented to her gleaming galaxies and uncharted nebulae. She cupped her hands and held a star, and felt its’ warmth coursing through her veins.
She did not feel sadness for leaving her loved ones behind, for she knew they would meet again.
But now it was her time. Her time to rejoice in her new life – for her soul was at peace, and her smile would never fade.”
One thing that I deeply struggle with as I fight my battle with mental illness, is the thought of suicide. When is it too much to handle? When will I want to bow down, wave my white flag and surrender? What am I even fighting for?
I have to wake up every morning, and actively choose life.
And I do. I did yesterday, and I did today, and hopefully I will again tomorrow, and the day after that. But it is never easy.
If you have a loved one struggling with mental illness, please take the time today, and every day, to tell them how much you love them, so that they too, may continue to choose life.