This week has been a blur, trying to get things organized for my Go Fund Me campaign. I hadn’t been writing, or even practicing my newly learned mental health coping skills, and I found myself having a busy mind, and not stopping to just breathe.
Then I saw in the news that musician, Chris Cornell, committed suicide, and I was reminded of why I am running this campaign in the first place. To raise awareness about mental health. To let people know that there are humans out there, suffering, and they need your help. They need understanding, and forgiveness, and unconditional love. To talk about depression, and suicide, and for me to tell my story, so you know you’re not alone.
I can host all the fundraising events in the world, and I can go to this Yoga Training ten times over, but what really matters here is spreading the word. Ending the stigma. Fighting for a life.
So I would like to share a journal entry from May 13, 2017 – I was having a rough week:
“I think there is a difference between wanting to kill yourself, and not wanting to be alive.
I do not actually want to cause my body harm. I don’t want to feel pain, or have my family find my lifeless body in some surprise gruesome fashion.
I wish that upon no one.
I do have moments, many moments, where I think it would be better, easier, if I was not alive. It would be less of a burden on my family and friends, both emotionally, and financially.
But mostly, it would end my suffering. This ball of constant anxiety that lives in my throat, that I choke back each day, would be released into the universe and my energy could be used to create something beautiful, like a star.
The star could light the way for my loved ones, to move on, knowing I was at peace.
Please don’t think I am going to harm myself. I know I sound morbid, but it is just how I feel inside.
I feel so alone.
I am lonely.”
It’s important to know that there are ups and downs in every life, and I feel grateful that I was able to get through this rut. You are not alone. Always remember that.
*as a side note, I would like to extend a huge thank-you to all that are helping my in my journey – those who have donated money, items for me to sell, time, and much more, thank you.