adjusting, again.

It was really hard for me to leave Newfoundland, for a second time in three months. Even though I was only there for a week, it took no time at all to adjust back to the way of life I lived while I was happy there: surrounded by friends and family, walks along the harbour, and meals at my favourite restaurants. It was perfect.

But I had to say farewell once again, because as I said in my post last week, my journey to health is here.

What I didn’t expect was how I would feel when I got back to Ontario. I felt out of place, unwanted, unwelcomed. I felt alienated from my family here, and instead of talking to them about it, I isolated myself from them. I felt as though they should have known how hard it was for me to come back here again – but after taking some time to think about the skills I learned in my therapy program, I realized this was an unrealistic expectation of them. They are not mind readers, and I offered no line of communication. In the end, I made it harder on myself by choosing to be alone.

This isn’t the first time I have felt this way. When I first moved here three months ago, I just wanted to be alone in my room and cry. On top of my other diagnoses, my psychologist diagnosed me with something called adjustment disorder: moving back to Ontario to live with my parents while finalizing my divorce was all too much for me. I couldn’t adjust properly to my surroundings, which therefore caused added stress in my life and in my relationships.

Part of this disorder is explained here as:  “You experience more stress than would normally be expected in response to a stressful event”.  I would say this is something I experienced travelling back from Newfoundland this past Friday.

What I would like to work on is knowing that contentment is within myself, and not within a place – I won’t find it in an apartment, or a city, and not in a province. It is here, in my heart, and wherever my heart takes me.

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