Depression is a dance that I have not yet learned the steps to – a waltz of sorts, and I can’t quite get the footing down.
Each time I learn a new step, a pattern that I finally figure out, I am hurled backwards and I lose balance. One step forward, two steps back.
I feel like I show no grace as I stumble through this journey. I have no fancy footwork, no elegant twirl, no final dip. The performance is just me, wading through a pool of emotions, trying to figure out the next step. But I don’t feel much like dancing, and sometimes, I’d like to sit this one out.
Regardless of the coping skills I have learned over the past few months, I find myself asking, why?
Why does the universe think I am strong enough to bare this burden?
Why do I sit, surrounded by loved ones, yet feeling so alone?
Why I am so tired?
I know there are no answers to my questions; I know that it is up to me to build my strength, and surpass the questions – create my own path.
So maybe I don’t have to be any good at dancing with depression (waltzing was never my strong suit anyway). Maybe I’ll change the music and freestyle my steps, so there are no backward movements. I’ll just keep moving forward.
One step at a time.