I have never thought of myself to be a selfish person. I grew up with a mother who was very selfish and narcissistic, and I would like to believe that because of that, I grew to be a very kind and giving person. But I also believe that there is such thing as giving too much of yourself, and one can become kind and giving to a fault.

This entire concept is something that constantly swims through my mind – particularly over these past few months where I have had to rely on the support of loved ones to get me through each day. I became aware of how much of myself I could give at a time, and even at important events or family dinners, if I felt drained, I would have to excuse myself.

Then came the Go Fund Me Campaign where I decided to ask people for money to help me further my life. Loved ones, friends, acquaintances, complete and utter strangers – can I please have your hard-earned money? To say I felt uncomfortable throughout the process would be an understatement.

So here is what I have taught myself: I was being selfish – but in a good way. I truly appreciate every little thing that each person has done for me over these past months. I am going to pay it forward – with the help that has been given to me for training, I will use my skills and newfound knowledge to help others just like me. I will stand for you, and shout from the rooftops about mental health, and about my journey, and what has helped me along the way.

The thing is, I think feeling guilty and selfish has maybe gotten in the way of me feeling truly prosperous during this experience. There has always been a small part of my gut that has been telling me this isn’t right, or maybe I’m not deserving. Why should people help me? What have I ever done for humanity?

Well, I have kicked and screamed my way out of the darkness. I have put everything I have into therapy, family, yoga, making goals and attaining them. I have aspirations to do more with my life, for the betterment of myself as well as others. I AM DESERVING – so I have to let go of my lower thoughts, and make room for higher thoughts so I can continue to be a positive influence.

Perhaps you too can let go of your guilty feelings today. Take what you need for yourself – be a little selfish. Put yourself first.

I am.

One thought on “selfish.

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