*warning – post may be triggering
I have been sleeping a lot better lately. I still have far too vivid dreams on a regular basis, but for the most part they are just nonsense, or enjoyable, or I don’t really remember them. This is quite a change from a few months ago when I could barely fall asleep, and then once asleep my nightmares were so frightening that I would wake up soaked in sweat, shaking, and crying. It has been a very welcomed change.
Last night I dreamed of suicide. It was one of those dreams that was so powerful, I woke up and for a split second thought it was real. I had to sit up and check my surroundings, confirm I was still, indeed, alive, and take a big deep breath in, just to make sure.
In my dream I had decided to end my life. I sat down at my desk and began writing to all my loved ones…. “Dad, I’m so sorry. Please don’t be mad. It’s better this way”…”Sister, I love you so much. You are such a good Mom. I’m sorry my niece won’t get to know me. Please tell her only the good things” …and so on.
I then sat outside under a tree, and cut my wrists.
I woke up gasping for air, tears streaming down my face, my fingertips searching each wrist for signs of harm. Nothing. I was in my warm bed, safe, with a furry dog to greet me with morning kisses.
But it felt so real. All morning I’ve had a tightness in my chest that I can’t breathe away. It’s starting to become a headache forming at the base of my skull and causing my shoulders to ache. And, I can’t stop crying.
Let me be very clear here – I do not want to end my life. This was just a dream, it is not a reflection of how I am feeling at this moment. But I guess the thought never really completely goes away. It’s a fight every day to choose the path of contentment and health and family and all that good stuff that makes me want to live. And each day those choices get easier.
But every once in a while, I dream of suicide.