I have been thinking a lot about self-sabotage lately.
Psychology Today describes self-sabotaging behaviour as, “Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems and interferes with long-standing goals. The most common self-sabotaging behaviors are procrastination, self-medication with drugs or alcohol, comfort eating, and forms of self-injury such as cutting.”
When I’m feeling down I immediately turn to self-sabotaging behaviour. For me this behaviour looks like the following: binge watching Netflix into the wee hours of the morning which causes me to be super sleepy the next day; binge eating (and sometimes purging) the worst foods which make me feel ill and lethargic; cancelling plans with friends; avoiding family (mainly my parents), leaving my living space in a state of disarray; spending money that I do not have; skipping yoga, putting my important work on the back burner; purposely skipping my medication. The consequences of my actions are: alienating myself and feeling very lonely; being tired all the time; reactions from eating food that I am allergic to (stomach pain, nausea, etc), a spiraling mindset of “no one understands me/I’m going to be this way forever/What is the point of all of this” etc; money problems; poor work ethic.
I feel like the last few weeks have been building to today. In the back of my mind, my dialogue has been telling me to eat healthy, get more sleep, walk more, follow my budget, and I have actually been rebelling against myself. But each day I’ve been breaking down a little more. Today, I asked the universe for help. I walked to yoga, choking back tears, ready for an emotional release on my mat. When I walked into the hot room, I had this overwhelming feeling of this is exactly where I’m supposed to be. So I practiced.
I guess I’m writing because I feel as if I put the words down on paper I can hold myself accountable. One day at a time.
“To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders”